She’s nervous now,

She’s doubting herself now,

She’s regretting things she wasn’t meant to regret and I feel like it’s my fault somehow.

Without fail my thoughts envelope me.

Consumed by you,

I am uncontrollably,

in love deeper than the oceans draw.

From shore to shore it stretches, 

devouring my iniquities your heart is pure.

My angel, my savior, my life support.

I pledge my love to you and it is yours.

Forever is an eternity,

and this is my oath.

Reach out to me,

and you will surely be received,

trust in me because there is no deceit.

I would burn for you,

for my iniquities,

you cleanse me with your love,

So I will march across the sea,

I will swim upon my knees,

I will strut through hell and not be touched,

and through your love you strengthen me.

My rock to stand upon when I am weak,

surrounded by the sinking sand that is my life,

I will not be pulled underneath,

I will not be slowed by evils strife.

So test my will,

test my strength,

test to see if I have enough,

but evil is smart not to test my love.

So reach across the distance,

you don’t need to be here just feel this,

my heart beats for you in every instance,

accept these things you know are true and I will be those things and more for you

So much was brought to light tonight. Even if I did get the money, and the permission (if I were to wait for it), she wouldn’t want me for another year. She says she knows I’m the only one for her, but then she says she’s not sure. That it’s just a feeling she feels right now. well. I do know. I’m ready. I don’t feel like I’d be missing out, I’m not afraid to commit to one person for the rest of my life. I honestly have no doubt in my mind that I could make this girl the happiest girl in the world forever. Thats how it’s supposed to be anyway isn’t it? I guess age doesn’t really mean anything to me. She says she’s too young, but I’m hardly any older. four months? thats nothing. All I hear when she says that is “I’m lying to you. I’m leading you on, because I’m afraid of breaking your heart. I’m letting you think theres a chance.” Maybe she really just wants me to prove I’m willing to do anything. Maybe she really is afraid of missing out on things. Dating other guys and such. I wanted to date other girls, I tried. It’s not like I had any trouble, I know I’m attractive and charming in my own way. I went on dates with other girls. But ten minutes in I was doing everything I could to get out. Because I can’t do it. I feel like it’s a waste of my time, or that it’s cheating Jess’s heart, or that I’m just fooling myself. I could have kissed a girl, she wanted me to. But I didn’t even want to hug her. I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe I still have some christian ideas imprinted in me. But Jess will forever be my only. As long as there is ever a possibility with her. there is not a soul in the world alike to Jess. Not even close. She is one of a kind, a different breed. I won’t settle for anything less, because anyone else is simply, less than Jessica. True love isn’t something you find, it’s not made throughout time. It’s simply something that is destined. I don’t claim to know the truth about it, but thats how I feel. Theres a good reason why she was the first girl to have ever caught my eye when I was a little boy. theres a reason why I obsessed over her for so many years, and finally, she let me in. I made the worst mistake of my life letting her go, but things would be much worse now than they are if I didn’t. we’re better off this way. And who knows, maybe she won’t ever date again off in Boston. Maybe it won’t take long at all until she is ready for me. But it is so very unbearable to think that she wants to find out first. I don’t feel that need. I don’t feel a desire for anyone else in the world. I only desire her. all the time. I lie awake, sleepless for night after night after night. I lie awake in fear, that I have ruined our future. I pray to God to guide me, to give me strength and courage. I know that he has destined her for me, but now I wonder if I was destined for her. I cannot wait to find out. I literally cannot wait. It is driving me mad, to think that she is leaving to go across the country. I want so badly to go with her. I believe that if I work hard enough, I can make enough money to show my parents how very serious I am about her, and that they will support me. I think my mom would. I know she still believes in love. My dad, I don’t know if he ever knew what love was in the first place. I know he believes in maternal love, family and all.. But he has never shown support of my love for Jess. Or for Aarons love of Jill. I don’t think he believes in it. Maybe he thought he was in love once too, and his expectations were too high and he lost his faith. 

she tells me she’s afraid of letting me down. But if she knew me so well, she would know that letting me down only entails of doubt for me. does she think she could find better? I’d be anyone she wanted me to be. for her. But I couldn’t tell her that, or she would feel guilty for changing me. If she only understood that there is nothing to feel guilty about. I’m ok with living a normal life, being a nobody, as long as I was with her. I’d work every day of my life at a job I hate, or I wouldn’t work at all, and just stay home and raise our kids, I don’t care at all. I would be anyone for her. Do anything. Because I love her to no end. every little thing about her can make me smile. 

Just tell me what to do next, Jess.

Don’t leave me, not yet, I haven’t had enough time to square my debts.

I haven’t had enough time to sort it all out. I have no money to follow you now.

My heart is there, but my body resists. Oh, all the chances I chanced and missed.

Now I sit here all broken, my own demise. I have to deal with what I’ve realized.

But your love is so strong, I can feel it reach across this distance. If only I was brave enough to reach back, I wouldn’t have missed this.

This chance to mend what I’ve left torn and tattered. But I ruined it cuz I thought I was more battered.

I see now what I couldn’t see before. I know now what and whom I love more.

So I’ll settle my debts, I’ll forgive all my debtors. Because I know that being with you is better

Than any stronghold I once thought was strong enough to hold me, but you flash true love in a man’s face, and he lives life more boldly.

What I’m trying to say is that I regret my life deeply, I regret everything, except that I once loved you dearly.

Because now that is the only thing I hold true to my heart, and you are the only one that could keep me from falling apart.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” they say, I reply with a smile, “I hunt a different breed, she’s my soul mate.”

Finding new ways to hold my head

I figured it was that or accept my death

I thought I was dead when realization hit me

But then I got it in my head who I want to be.

A family, new places to see,

a job so I can pay for my own food to eat

it’s an ideal I’ve grown fond of

Over the last couple of months I thought.

I argued and fought, thank god for what I got

Cuz the best part of me I lost when I forgot.

It really depends on what day you ask me to be honest. I love baseball, I hate school. The next day, I hate baseball, still don’t care much for school, and I love something or somebody else more. My heart breaks because my former girlfriend has little time left in state, before she moves off to Boston MA for the next three years. Why Boston? Who really knows for sure. Jessica, my love, my wife I thought.. I’m so full of regrets. How could I let somebody so wonderful slip away? She cared for me more than anyone I’ve ever known aside from my own family. And even that is rivaled sometimes. She loved me, to my very core, and I was ignorant. Still am, at times. 

Regardless, baseball is over. I’m done, I’m out of energy, I’m out of love. I have differing opinions of the last year. I got to play college baseball, a dream of mine. But did I really play? did I really enjoy it? of course I did. But my memory either grows weak or I become less ignorant with each day, because each new day, my regret grows. Baseball made me weak. Jess made me strong. That was where I got so confused. I was madly in love with her, and just as much with baseball. Never really knew why, again, probably ignorance.. Definitely ignorance. Baseball gave me nothing but a few fake friends, a cliff drop of my maturity level, the loss of my girlfriend, the greatest love I ever knew, the girl I thought I’d marry sometime this year.

At least I’ve patched things up with her. More than I had hoped to. I think we’re actually better off now than we ever were when we were officially together. The night before last, we spent the night under the stars in Leavenworth. My first camping trip, completely spontaneous, I didn’t even tell my parents I was going, I just up and left. It was easily the best time of my entire young life. Jess has made me more of a man than anyone could dare take credit for. I will marry her someday. I’ll just have to find her free heart again. Who knows where she’s headed off to next. 

I’ll visit her whenever I have the money to. Most likely for weeks at a time. I don’t want her falling in love with someone who turns out is just trying to get in her pants. she doesn’t deserve another heart break. She never deserved any that she’s had. No one I know has been through what she has. And in only eighteen years. But regardless, she holds her head up, she marches on. she’s the bravest and strongest person I have ever been blessed to know. I miss her every minute, even when I’m with her, because it always ends too soon. 

I will wait Jessica, I wanted to tell you that, but I never want to make another promise that there is a chance I might break it. I’ve done that to you too many times. I love you too much to be the cause of yet another heart break. I think I’ve given you my fair share already. I almost proposed to you that night under the stars. But I was scared of what you would say. If you said yes, and I couldn’t follow you, or if you said no.. well, that would be the end of me. You saved my life, it seems only fitting that you kill me eventually. Look, you have me up till four in the morning. I can’t sleep till I’ve heard your voice. But you’re at Kennans party. No doubt being chatted up by every guy that isn’t blind enough not to see you. 

The plan, well, the plan is pretty straight forward. Work enough hours to afford to move out. Get an apartment somewhere in Boston. Find a job in town, and start making a living again. Then I can pay off whatever I’d owe my parents for getting me out there. Then, save up for a ring that couldn’t begin to match your beauty. I’d have the most romantic night ever planned for you, and propose under the stars. I’m willing to do anything to get you back. It’s hard to know what you got till it’s gone. Man is ignorant. always have been always will be. We believe what we wanna believe. I’m ignorant enough to think that I can make a way to win you back. I’m open minded enough to know how much that will take of me. But am I strong enough to follow through? I really don’t know. 

All I do know, though it is both very little and yet so very big, is that I am madly in love with you. and I will hold onto that with everything I got. 

Today is very dreary. Wet and cold. Who knew June 20th would be so dark? Whatever happened to warm sunny sunshine summers? Well, this is the PNW. And this is western washington. I guess I shouldn’t have expected too much.. I still love it, despite!

I do miss my girlfriend terribly. I always thought it would get easier over time in a long distance relationship. Not really. I’m scheduled to go see her tomorrow however. I think if the rain and wind keeps up, we’ll just stay inside all day wrapped up in blankets having a movie fest. She is so deprived. She still hasn’t seen SO many great movies. It’s embarrassing trying to line drop from a movie, only to find out she’s never seen it =/

On the list: I Love You, Man; The Princess Bride; Hangover (I don’t think she’s seen this one yet..); and… I’ll think of more. 

Damn. just drank the last of my MD =[

Gonna get my new macbook pro soon! I’m stoked. Cuz I’m a student, I think I’m gonna get the 15” pro. I get a 8 gig itouch with it for free too, but I already have a 16 gig, so.. Sell?

My brother’s on tour. I’m so happy for him, finally living a dream I know he’s dreamt for a while. I miss him, but I get to wear his clothes while he’s gone so it’s a lose win situation. (He has way cooler clothes than me..) I especially love his boots though. So shocked he didn’t take em!

Graduation is finally behind me. I’m a high school graduate, with a two year college degree! How crazy is that? Not to mention, I graduated college before I graduated hs! Only by three days, but regardless. It’s crucial. 

Summer so far has sucked, and been awesome. my schedule for the next two months is jammed full of baseball. I have at least one game every single day of the week, and tournaments almost every weekend. Most of them out of state.

Just got back from ID. Stayed there for the weekend while we played games at such fields as Lewis and Clark State, Washington State University, and the infamous Colfax “Macdonald” fields. Ranked high in the best high school baseball fields in the country. They really were all grade A fields. Finely cut grass at L&C and Macdonald, and a great turf field at WSU. I definitely enjoyed the WSU games most. Even though we lost both. 

I can honestly say, however, that I am not really looking forward to playing baseball every single day. It’s getting mind numbing. It wasn’t this way last summer, but I didn’t have other priorities last summer, like a girlfriend or a job. 

Oh yeah, and I finally got all registered for classes at Pierce CC in Fort Steilacoom. Now to figure out the living situation. I definitely do NOT want to live at home. A bunch of the guys want to get an apartment or a condo or something, which I am totally down for. Maybe me Drew and Miles will all get a small condo. It should be pretty awesome. I’m really excited to go live somewhere else. It’s going to be a great experience i think!

Cheers, Austin. 

Currently Listening to… Bright Eyes

Well, it’s official. I still have no effin clue what I’m doing. Baseball? College? Girlfriend? …

“I’d rather be working for a pay check than waiting to win the lottery”

Which begs the question, which would I be doing based upon the career path I choose? If I go in the direction of baseball, I go to a two year college, play for a year, and hope to transfer to a four year college where I’ll sit the bench for another year, till I can get a couple starts. All the while I’d be going to a college, probably one I didn’t originally plan on going to. And studying something I find half interesting. I don’t even know what the hell I AM interested in is the problem.

the other bonus to going to college and playing college baseball is that it would for once in my lifetime, make my dad proud of me.

Which is kind of rediculous right? because I’m graduating highschool, and college with an AA degree in three weeks. Both at the same time. But my dad still doesn’t show any pride of me. Not only that, but I’m a good kid. the worst thing I’ve done in the past five years, happened two weeks ago, and it was just that I lost my empty wallet. My dad threw a FIT today when he finally found out.

I plan on getting a replacement tomorrow morning at 7AM. yipee…

Another option is to just go to college and get my bachelors in something so that I can just get on with my life. I’ve been accepted to WSU, but my true interest lies in Seattle University. Jess’ dad has a sweet set up in Queens and he’s offering it to me for dirt cheep. Hard to pass that up, knowing that he plans on getting Jess and I hitched asap it seems like. I’m incredibly lucky as I now think about it.. I have the most patient and incredibly beautiful girlfriend in the world, an absolute dime, I must add, and her parents love me! Her wealthy father loves me anyway, and that my friends, is excellence. That part of my life, the girlfrien